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Guys Perspective
By
Lisa Daily
Dear
Lisa,
About
your response to the girl who has to do all the planning in the relationship
and never gets any gifts from the guy:
You
told her to:
a)
don't do anything anymore, and see if he catches on, or
b)
dump him
From
a guy's point of view, I think you gave the wrong advice. Her question
was how could she make her man more proactive. I think the answer is to
TALK with him about it.
As
you well know, males and females think differently. Example: If a
guy gave a gift to his girlfriend... even if it was just because he loves
her, he certainly would NOT expect something in return. The thought
wouldn't even register. So just like when HE receives a gift, the
thought to reciprocate is just not registering.
They
don't do it to be jerks, or because they're selfish... their minds just
haven't been opened to the female side of thinking.
The
same thing applies to her doing all the planning and organizing, in the
sense that, if she does it ALL THE TIME, and if in the guy's mind, he has
no problems with that, then he has no reason to try and change it.
He figures that she must prefer to do it, if she needed his help she would
just ask, and if she had a problem with it, she'd talk to him. He
thinks everything is ok. This is how the majority of guys think.
All
it takes it just a little communication from the female, telling him how
she feels. And, if he's a good guy, then he'll change his habits
in the interest of happiness.
She
says he's nice, and that he loves her, and remembers her on her birthday
and holidays. I'm sure if he knew the little things that would make his
girlfriend happy, he'd be doing them all the time.
Take
it from a guy - we want to make the girl happy. And we understand
that girls "expect" us to always know the right things to do, the romantic
things to do... and, the reality is that most guys just don't have it figured
all out yet. Help us help you. Communicate.
Guy’s
Perspective
Dear
Guy,
First,
thanks so much for showing all of my female readers that there are nice,
sweet guys out there in dating-land.
I
actually agree with most of what you said, including the fact that her
guy probably doesn’t even really understand there’s a problem. But
here’s why I didn’t advise the reader to talk to her guy about what was
bothering her: 1) in the part of the letter I had to edit for space
she’d mentioned that she had already tried talking to him several times
and it hadn’t produced any results, and 2) because most women try
talking things out first (and usually second and third,) and writing to
me fourth, or eighth, or thirty-seventh.
I
also agree that most guys really do want to make their girlfriends and
wives happy. And I’m sure you’ll agree that a lot of what we say
to you men goes in one ear and out the other. My point to her was
this: she could stop rowing the relationship boat and see if he picked
up the slack, and if that didn’t work she needed to figure out exactly
how important the issue was to her. In the end, she might have to
make the decision to live with his inactivity or leave him.
In
fact, the letter isn’t really about what he does or doesn’t do at all.
It’s actually about the woman not feeling cared for by her guy. Unfortunately,
her telling him what she needs and him not doing it just makes that feeling
worse. (Even if he does do it, she’d probably be wondering whether
he was doing it because he loved her, or because she’d told him to.) Sometimes
you guys (as sweet as you are) need a bit of a wake-up call. She
needs to know whether or not he’ll step up to the plate without her prodding.
My suggestion was a way for her to give him a chance to do just that.
Kisses,
Lisa
Dating
expert Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
Available
at www.stopgettingdumped.com and bookstores everywhere.
Got
a dating question? Ask Lisa at: asklisa@stopgettingdumped.com
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